A Nation of Roommates

by David Scott

What commentary could we add to “The State of Our Unions,” a report issued earlier this month by the nonsectarian, nonpartisan National Marriage Project?

Analyzing statistical indicators and survey data from the past 40 years, the study found marriage rates to be at an all-time low.

In 1960, there were 88 marriages per every 1,000 unmarried women. Today, there are about 50 marriages—a 43 percent drop in a generation. One of every two trips down the aisle ends in divorce or permanent separation. And there is less wedded bliss for those who stay married—only 38 percent say they are “very happy” in their marriages, as opposed to 54 percent in 1976.

WS-9476_1According to the study, people are marrying much later than they used to, and “alternatives” to marriage, such as living together and single-parent households, are on the rise. If you are 25–40 years old, chances are 50–50 that you will have “shacked up” at least once with a member of the opposite sex.

Divorce begets divorce, is another finding of this report, with the children of divorce two or three times more likely to wind up getting divorced themselves. With just 60 percent of today’s children growing up in a two-parent household, we can expect the cycle to continue.

The phrase “premarital sex” has virtually no meaning today, as the study found sex is “increasingly detached from the promise or expectation of marriage.” About 90 percent of women born between 1933 and 1942 were virgins on their wedding night or had only had sex with their eventual husbands. Today, more than half of all girls have had sex by the age of 17.

At times, “The State of Our Unions” reads like anthropology, as if it is describing the habits of some exotic, perhaps near-extinct species—a fragmented people, lonely and alienated, desiring happiness and a mate for life but not believing it possible.

This tribe is not seeking unions that are sacred, held together by love and God and a sense of mutual support. The philosophy today, according to the study, is a “couples relationship”—with individuals “coupling” for the purpose of sex and to fill individual emotional needs.

There has been much chattering about since the release of this report. But we don’t find any cause for clucking or sanctimonious preening about “who lost family.” We all did. Churches, unfaithful spouses, the culture, and the government all share that blame. What we can do now is “strengthen the things that remain” (Rev. 3:2)

What remains, according to the study, is a latent belief and hope among the young that they will find and share love in a lifelong marriage. We need to help them see that lifelong love cannot be found in a series of one-night stands and commitment-free relationships.

As a nation we need to foster belief in marriage. At the very least, government, business, and the culture industry should stop demeaning traditional marriage by advancing the “gay marriage” agenda and offering benefits for “same-sex partners.”

On a personal level, all of us need to recognize that “marriage preparation” courses come too late. Marriage is born of values that must be taught from the earliest ages—commitment, self-sacrifice, a sense that love is found in the gift of self.

Many of us who are adults still need to learn these values.

But it is never too late to begin. If we can learn these values, and teach them, more marriages will stick together. The spouses and their children will be the happier for it. Society will be better off. And human civilization as we know it, just may survive.

First published in Our Sunday Visitor (July 18, 1998)
© David Scott, 2009. All rights reserved